Not Very Funny Jokes
updated 5th Dec 1999

BOXING CLEVER
Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed
"I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked "I'm very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that's not that bad considering the number of years we've been married."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary was still curious "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
"Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. One day the teacher brought in a great variety of Lifesavers candies, more flavors than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," said the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey Lifesavers in their mouths, all of the children were stumped.
I'll give you hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."
Instantly, one child spat the Lifesaver out of his mouth and yelled, "Spit' em out, you guys !!!! They're assholes!"

COMING SOON TO A LAKE NEAR YOU
This is a True Story ( Oh, yea? ) Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a woman, who happened to be blonde, and new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine was fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. One of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer ( you mean you're supposed to take it off? Saneetra )

DEAD CERTAIN
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

IRRITATING SAYINGS
* Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
* A day without sunshine is like, night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
* Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
* The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of
the bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
* Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

MORE IRRITATING STUFF

• You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in
• No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes
• You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits
• You shouldn't compare yourself to others- they are more fucked up than you think
• Either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication
• Money is a great substitute for character
• Sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do so
• Your family won't always be there for you. Unless, of course, you win the lottery
• No matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still expensive
• We don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves
• Two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes
• No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:
>> FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN (arrow down...the men are below)
>> Size 10 .................. Size 12 at least.
>> 40-ish.................. 48
>> Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
>> Athletic................ Flat-chested
>> Average looking......... Ugly
>> Beautiful............... Pathological liar
>> Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
>> Educated................ College dropout
>> Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
>> Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
>> Free spirit............. Substance user
>> Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
>> Fun..................... Annoying
>> Gentle.................. Comatose
>> Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
>> New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
>> Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
>> Open-minded............. Desperate
>> Outgoing................ Loud
>> Passionate.............. Loud
>> Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
>> Professional............ Real Witch
>> Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
>> Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
>> Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
>> Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
>> Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
>> Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
>> Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
>> Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

>>> THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
>> 40-ish.................. 52 and looking for a 25-yr-old
>> Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
>> Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
>> Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
>> Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
>> Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
>> Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
>> Good looking............ Arrogant
>> Honest.................. Pathological Liar
>> Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
>> Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
>> Mature.................. Until you get to know him
>> Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
>> Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
>> Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
>> Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
>> Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
>> Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

USEFUL WORK PHRASES

• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purelycoincidental
• No, my powers can only be used for good
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care
• You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth
• Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

The following lines were taken from real resumes and cover letters and were excerpted from the July 21, 1997, issue of Fortune.
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
3. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
4. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
5. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
6. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
7. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
8. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
9. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
12. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
13. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
14. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
15. Marital status: often. Children: various.
16. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers

.... so are these Jokes

• Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly ( obscure joke only understandable by British people )
• Virginity like bubble; one prick - all gone!
• Man with one chopstick go hungry ( No, I don't understand it either )
• Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it
• War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left
• He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

• Dogs don't cry
• Dogs love it when your friends come over
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo
• Dogs think you sing great
• A dog's time in the bathroom is just for a quick drink
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late
• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
• Dogs are excited by rough play
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away
• Dogs understand that farts are funny
• Dogs love red meat
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair
• Anyone can get a good looking dog
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it
• Dogs don't shop
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor
• Dogs never need to examine your relationship
• A dog's parents never visit
• Dogs love long car trips
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
• Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted
• If a dog gets old and starts to snap at you constantly, you can shoot it
• Dogs like beer
• Dogs don't hate their bodies
• Dogs never buy Kenny G or Michael Bolton albums ( Or Country & Western - SKH )
• Dogs never criticize
• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
• Dogs never expect gifts
• Dogs don't worry about germs
• Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had
• Dogs like to do their snooping outside, not in your wallet, your pockets, or your sock drawer
• Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives
• A dog would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one
• You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day
• Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry
• Dogs don't borrow your shirts
• Dogs never want foot-rubs
• Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public
• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
• Dogs can't talk

Lawn Care
This letter is being sent to you because we know you are critically interested in your front lawn. The spring season will soon be upon us. This is a Fertilize Your Lawn Club and it will not cost you a cent to join. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so do not feel embarrassed. Remove the name at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom, then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns. You will not get any cash or checks, but within one week, if the chain is not broken, there will be 9,915 people shitting on your front lawn. Your reward will come later on this summer season when you have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire lawn

An Amazing Story
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears
"Ribbit 9 Iron"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron" and realises it's the frog speaking.
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He's really shocked and turns to the frog "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog"
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

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